Congressional leaders pass bailout for Congressional leaders, pressure from angry constituents cited

WASHINGTON - The U.S. Congress today approved a sweeping $700 billion bailout for members of Congress who did not approve that other bailout for failed banks earlier this week.

"Now is the time to get out of here," the Senate and House caucuses of both parties said in a joint statement. "The stock market is puh-retty upset!"

Leaders debated well into the night about the time capsule in which members of Congress would escape. The GOP caucus guaranteed spots for at least 100 members, including House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.), who said she "really wants to bust a move."

The scene under the Capitol rotunda last night was reminiscent of those days when lawmakers debated America's most important legislation. But the increased urgency was palpable to observers.
Lawmakers could be seen trading cell phone numbers and agreeing to get in touch when they escape the earth's atmosphere. Senators Diane Feinstein (D.-Calif.) and Richard Lugar (R-Ind.) finished up an old best-of-three-games pinball match-up that they had agreed to finish 10 years ago but never got around to doing.

"I pat Dick on the back when he got the double bonus in 'Indiana Jones' pinball," Feinstein said, with a tear dangling from her lacrimal duct. "This could be the last time we play pinball....on Earth."

Voters and investors cheered the news. The Dow Jones Industrials Average rose 654 points, with the S&P 500 following suit with a jump of 6% during mid-morning trading. Still, lawmakers were ready to get out of Dodge.

"Not to use a bad pun," House Minority Whip Roy Blunt (R-Miss.) said, "but this was a sub-prime time to mortgage the future of the United States."