ZELIENOPLE, Pa. -- Sen. John McCain's presidential campaign bus, dubbed the "Straight Talk Express," was delayed in arriving here this morning due to a backup in the bus's only toilet, a campaign spokeswoman said.
Police are investigating a foul odor coming from the bus lavatory. Fingerprints and surveillance video reveal a slender male passenger at last six feet in height used the lavatory at 2:15 a.m. while the bus was en route here from York, Pa. After completing his business in the lavatory, police said, the suspect appeared to have rushed back to his seat to avoid being seen, presumably because he was the culprit.
Eyewitness accounts indicate the McCain campaign dined at Juanita's Mexican Buffet in Breezewood, Pa. last night. Todd Wexler, the only McCain aide believed to be more than six feet tall, ordered the "number 6," a combinacion platter of "three-alarm enchiladas, a red-hot refried bean tamale and the habanero-pickled-spice queso fundido," witnesses said.
Police, meanwhile, cautioned against accusing Wexler, saying numerous McCain staffers ingested high quantities of hot salsa and tequila. Therefore, all are suspects in the case.
"When you put tequila and hot salsa together," Zelienople Sgt. Rick Brickles said, "good things can never happen."
Campaign staffers have decided to charter a Greyhound after determining the "Straight Talk" is much worse than riding a Greyhound.
Analysts shrugged off any suggestion that this latest gaffe for the McCain campaign signaled constipation in the senator's chances for victory, with only two days before the election.
In fact, some national polls show McCain gaining ground on his opponent Democratic Sen. Barack Obama, particularly after McCain recruited Joe the Plumber to stump with him on taxes and government reform. Aides said Joe the Plumber will also be hired to fix the lavatory.
Showing posts with label John McCain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label John McCain. Show all posts
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Forensic Tests Show "Federalist" McCain Attended Constitutional Convention
PHILADELPHIA - Providing fodder to his opponents who contend he is "too old" to be United States president, new evidence has revealed Sen. John McCain attended the Constitutional Convention at the Pennsylvania State House in Philadelphia in 1787.
McCain, who proudly proclaimed during one of his presidential debate appearances against Sen. Barack Obama that he is a "Federalist," would be an estimated 260 years old, assuming he was 40 years old at the time of the formalizing of the United States' most sacred document.
Forensic scientists extracted petrified Philly cheese-steak goop that was found near a post-it note Alexander Hamilton had affixed to a draft of the Constitution. A DNA profile of salivary residue from the goop is believed to match Sen. McCain.
That means there is 99.999 percent chance the saliva came from McCain, according to scientists from the Drexel University Superdynamic Superfluids Research Center. Conversely, that leaves a 0.001 percent chance that the saliva belongs to someone else or ended up on the Philly cheese-steak through different means.
"There is a slight chance that James Madison kissed McCain as he was chewing on the cheese steak," said Dr. Fabian Fabuloso, director of the center. "That would mean that the actual cheese-steak belonged to either Madison, or someone else. It is decidedly possible that those in attendance at the convention purchased a party platter of multiple cheese steaks, and the cheese steak of concern was being passed around the hall during one of the convention's many snack breaks.
"The key here," Fabuloso added, "is that McCain took a bite out of at least once sandwich, or kissed Madison as he was chewing, and got his saliva on that particular piece.
"There are certain questions that science cannot answer," he continued. "This is one of them."
Paintings and a prototype daguerreotype from the period may also confirm McCain's presence. McCain can be seen in one rendition of "The Great Philadelphia Convention" finishing a Sudoku puzzle published in Benjamin Franklin's Poor Richard's Almanack.
The Obama Campaign seized on the news, saying "we are now certain Sen. McCain is out of touch. All along we knew he has been calling for deregulation of the financial system ever since he smacked Alexander Hamilton for wanting a national bank in 1787."
The McCain Campaign lashed back, saying the new evidence proves McCain has the experience to lead the 13 colonies into a new direction.
"Most of the world doesn't know that he was also there to sign the Treaty of Paris in 1783," a campaign spokesman said. "Sen. McCain is a maverick. He is a ripe young man, ready to take on the world's problems with vigor, and a few teaspoons of formaldehyde."
The news also upped McCain's lead in the latest poll of polls among historians and the National American Revolution Re-Enacters Association by 76 points.
McCain, who proudly proclaimed during one of his presidential debate appearances against Sen. Barack Obama that he is a "Federalist," would be an estimated 260 years old, assuming he was 40 years old at the time of the formalizing of the United States' most sacred document.
Forensic scientists extracted petrified Philly cheese-steak goop that was found near a post-it note Alexander Hamilton had affixed to a draft of the Constitution. A DNA profile of salivary residue from the goop is believed to match Sen. McCain.
That means there is 99.999 percent chance the saliva came from McCain, according to scientists from the Drexel University Superdynamic Superfluids Research Center. Conversely, that leaves a 0.001 percent chance that the saliva belongs to someone else or ended up on the Philly cheese-steak through different means.
"There is a slight chance that James Madison kissed McCain as he was chewing on the cheese steak," said Dr. Fabian Fabuloso, director of the center. "That would mean that the actual cheese-steak belonged to either Madison, or someone else. It is decidedly possible that those in attendance at the convention purchased a party platter of multiple cheese steaks, and the cheese steak of concern was being passed around the hall during one of the convention's many snack breaks.
"The key here," Fabuloso added, "is that McCain took a bite out of at least once sandwich, or kissed Madison as he was chewing, and got his saliva on that particular piece.
"There are certain questions that science cannot answer," he continued. "This is one of them."
Paintings and a prototype daguerreotype from the period may also confirm McCain's presence. McCain can be seen in one rendition of "The Great Philadelphia Convention" finishing a Sudoku puzzle published in Benjamin Franklin's Poor Richard's Almanack.
The Obama Campaign seized on the news, saying "we are now certain Sen. McCain is out of touch. All along we knew he has been calling for deregulation of the financial system ever since he smacked Alexander Hamilton for wanting a national bank in 1787."
The McCain Campaign lashed back, saying the new evidence proves McCain has the experience to lead the 13 colonies into a new direction.
"Most of the world doesn't know that he was also there to sign the Treaty of Paris in 1783," a campaign spokesman said. "Sen. McCain is a maverick. He is a ripe young man, ready to take on the world's problems with vigor, and a few teaspoons of formaldehyde."
The news also upped McCain's lead in the latest poll of polls among historians and the National American Revolution Re-Enacters Association by 76 points.
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