Victory Denied: Matador kicked off Spanish football team for 'inappropriate attire'

SEVILLA, Spain -- Spanish matador Jose Felipe Dominguez de Santiago Ruiz was abruptly removed from the Spanish national football squad's roster before the country's victorious World Cup final for 'inappropriate attire,' it was announced by FIFA officials late Sunday.

Team manager Vicente del Bosque, drenched in sangria, said the world-famous bullfighter from Pamplona had refused to change from his matador gear into the standard football shirt, shorts, socks and shoes.

"The strict guidelines of FIFA declare that the attire of no participating player may outdo that of Ricky Martin in tightness," del Bosque said, several rice grains from his celebratory paella spraying from his mouth.

The rest of La Furia Roja - as the first-time World Cup-winning side is nicknamed - indeed joined FIFA and their manager in their fury at the tightness of Dominguez de Santiago Ruiz's pants, which were sewn by his grandmother, Penelope Sofia Corpulenta de Santiago Ruiz several years before Dominguez de Santiago Ruiz's metabolism screeched to a halt.

"Tengo miedo de estos pantalones," said injured striker Fernando Torres. "No me gustan."

Dominguez de Santiago Ruiz could not be reached for comment. He instead performed in the storied bullfighters' ring this morning and was gored by a large bull named Pepe.

U.S. Olympian kicked off team for having a normal life

VANCOUVER, BRITISH COLUMBIA - The United States Olympic Committee today informed ice dancer Gavin Whiteman he was removed from the country's Winter Olympics roster for having a normal childhood, it was announced.

Authorities said Whiteman, a 24-year-old emerging ice dance superstar from Dearborn, Mich., was found to have had a "normal childhood with two parents born and raised in the United States, and has progressed through his career without any significant bodily injury meriting a five-minute television featurette."

NBC Sports confirmed the announcement, saying "Bob Costas was left speechless - literally - when introducing Whiteman during last night's prime-time coverage."

"Nvited Whtemn in 4 a studio intrview & realizd we had nothing 2 talk abt, no intrstng stories," Costas told Writer's Blechh via text message.

"The guy hasnt had any difficlty 4 chrsts sake. Dude, atleast tell me ur prgnant, then weve got smthng," Costas continued via a second text, because his first message ran over its character limit.

An embarassed USOC official said on condition of anonymity that he "had no idea how Whiteman passed the typical Olympic team vetting process, which includes a battery of tests such as ensuring his grandparents worked in Soviet gulags or emigrated from Cambodia to escape persecution, or he overcame a series of vassectomies/lung transplants and debilitating stress fractures before winning the most recent World Championships."

Whiteman is believed to have packed his bags at the Olympic Village last night and taken a flight first-class from Vancouver to Portland, Ore., where he trains and has a posh, 2,000 square-foot, two-bedroom house 11 miles from a Cheesecake Factory.

"See? What a primadonna," Olympic junkie Sandra Wiggins, 22, said. "You know, Oksana Baiul ate nothing but sabretooth tiger meat and snowballs for 15 years when she trained in Siberia. Bonnie Blair trained in space because her family couldn't afford to send her to terrestrial training facilities. Brian Boitano had six legs amputated before he won gold.

"And this Whiteman, the worst that's happened to him is that he had to get a loan for college?"

Wiggins then reportedly changed the channel to American Idol.