NEW YORK - Little Tommy Studebaker's first trip to a New York-style pizzeria since his baby teeth fully emerged went terrible wrong Saturday, when the layer of cheese on his 12-inch New Yawk jumbo slice slowly slipped off the crust, a source close to the tragedy told Writer's Blechh this morning.
"I don't think Tommy will live this down for another three years," an officer investigating the case of cheese slippage at Salvatore's Hey I'm Eatin' Here! Restauraunt said on condition of anonymity.
The sheer nakedness of crust with which the slice was left was as stunning to little Tommy's parents as it was to the visibly shake-up toddler himself.
"Oh, so terrible.....oh, so terrible," said Tommy's mother, Judith, 37. Tommy's father, Carl, 41, was unable to speak.
While the investigation is ongoing, police said the layer of mozzarella cheese used at Salvatore's is known for its low friction coefficient, meaning the cheese frequently slips off of the pizza crust.
Mayor Rudy Guiliani outlawed cheese slippage in an historic legislative victory in 1997. Police have not ruled out criminal charges against pizzeria co-owners Salvatore Maggiano and Pepe Chulo Dominguez.
Adding insult to injury, the cheese was thoroughly garnished with crushed red pepper, garlic powder, oregano and Tabasco sauce.
"Now we can't eat it," a sobbing Judith Studebaker said, wiping her tears with the napkin she had used to soak the grease from the pizza slice.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
World's 353rd oldest man dies
MANILA, Philippines -- The 353rd oldest man in the world died Saturday, making way for the 354th oldest man in the world to move up the ranks.
Felipe Quinones, 102, who was not quite old enough to be considered the 352nd oldest man in the world, nor young enough to hold the coveted title as 666th oldest, died peacefully of natural causes. He spent much of his life as a gardener and wedding singer.
This is the 129 millionth time in human history that the 353rd oldest man in the world has died, striking a chord among fellow old people aiming to reach number one. Quinones was the oldest man in the world, without counting the 352 men older than him.
"He was really a great man," said Ogonkwo Ndebe, 98, the 4,892nd oldest man in the world and a lifelong friend of Quinones to whom the deceased left 30 cases of Viagra in his will. Ndebe said he was "overly ecstatic" to move up to No. 4,891 on the list, so much so that he had to recalibrate his pacemaker.
Quinones is survived by his wife Corazon, who at 101 is the 435th oldest woman in the world; 13 children and 96 grandchildren; and 14 great grandchildren. Quinones's father was the first man of Philippine descent to break the 500 oldest list and was showered with gifts, only to receive fatal food poisoning from a birthday candle he mistook for candy.
Felipe Quinones, 102, who was not quite old enough to be considered the 352nd oldest man in the world, nor young enough to hold the coveted title as 666th oldest, died peacefully of natural causes. He spent much of his life as a gardener and wedding singer.
This is the 129 millionth time in human history that the 353rd oldest man in the world has died, striking a chord among fellow old people aiming to reach number one. Quinones was the oldest man in the world, without counting the 352 men older than him.
"He was really a great man," said Ogonkwo Ndebe, 98, the 4,892nd oldest man in the world and a lifelong friend of Quinones to whom the deceased left 30 cases of Viagra in his will. Ndebe said he was "overly ecstatic" to move up to No. 4,891 on the list, so much so that he had to recalibrate his pacemaker.
Quinones is survived by his wife Corazon, who at 101 is the 435th oldest woman in the world; 13 children and 96 grandchildren; and 14 great grandchildren. Quinones's father was the first man of Philippine descent to break the 500 oldest list and was showered with gifts, only to receive fatal food poisoning from a birthday candle he mistook for candy.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Monopoly Man Arrested, Charged with Counterfeiting
ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. -- Authorities have arrested and charged Rich Uncle Pennybags, known to law enforcement authorities by his alias, Monopoly Man, following a years-long manhunt of the alleged counterfeiter.
Pennybags was found Tuesday night in a safe house on Boardwalk here. A source close to the arrest operation reported Pennybags was unkempt, dressed in torn clothing and was thin from apparent malnutrition, "clearly indicating he hadn't passed 'Go' in several months."
The 74-year-old fugitive had eluded authorities for years, enabling him to expand his money counterfeiting empire throughout North America.
An anonymous witness tipped police Monday afternoon that Moneybags had boarded a first-class coach on the Baltimore & Ohio (B&O) Railroad and gave a rambling, alcohol-induced tirade on board.
"He obviously landed on Park Avenue one-too-many times," the witness told police, according to police reports.
In addition to counterfeiting official legal tender, a federal offense, authorities also consider him a suspect in orchestrating several jailbreaks by issuing "Get Out Of Jail Free" cards to unsuspecting prison wardens, and printing counterfeit "Free Parking" passes for Atlantic City residents, a violation of city parking ordinance. Moneybags will also be charged with luxury tax evasion.
Rick Dixon, head of the Treasury Department's Counterfeiting Task Force, said Moneybags was able to finance his illicit operations partly by using the community chest for funds and partly by chance. The Task Force was able to begin tracking Moneybags in 2005 when a wire transfer related to the acquisition of two public utilities, the Electric Co. and Water Works, was traced to a slush fund in Moneybags's name.
Moneybags had no comment at his arraignment last night, except to make a poignant statement on his life, saying "this is the game that goes on forever."
Pennybags was found Tuesday night in a safe house on Boardwalk here. A source close to the arrest operation reported Pennybags was unkempt, dressed in torn clothing and was thin from apparent malnutrition, "clearly indicating he hadn't passed 'Go' in several months."
The 74-year-old fugitive had eluded authorities for years, enabling him to expand his money counterfeiting empire throughout North America.
An anonymous witness tipped police Monday afternoon that Moneybags had boarded a first-class coach on the Baltimore & Ohio (B&O) Railroad and gave a rambling, alcohol-induced tirade on board.
"He obviously landed on Park Avenue one-too-many times," the witness told police, according to police reports.
In addition to counterfeiting official legal tender, a federal offense, authorities also consider him a suspect in orchestrating several jailbreaks by issuing "Get Out Of Jail Free" cards to unsuspecting prison wardens, and printing counterfeit "Free Parking" passes for Atlantic City residents, a violation of city parking ordinance. Moneybags will also be charged with luxury tax evasion.
Rick Dixon, head of the Treasury Department's Counterfeiting Task Force, said Moneybags was able to finance his illicit operations partly by using the community chest for funds and partly by chance. The Task Force was able to begin tracking Moneybags in 2005 when a wire transfer related to the acquisition of two public utilities, the Electric Co. and Water Works, was traced to a slush fund in Moneybags's name.
Moneybags had no comment at his arraignment last night, except to make a poignant statement on his life, saying "this is the game that goes on forever."
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Geithner To Pay Back Taxes With Chuck E Cheese Tokens
WASHINGTON - Recently confirmed U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner said Friday he will repay back taxes he has owed to the U.S. government in the form of Chuck E Cheese tokens and tickets.
Geithner said his amassed token collection - sufficient to purchase 3,000 glow-in-the-dark slap bracelets and 500 rubber balls - should cover his $43,000 in taxes owed to the U.S. government. He will also deliver 17 extra-large Hawaiian and pepperoni pizzas and three pitchers of Coke Zero to the U.S Treasury as additional collateral for his debt.
"I sincerely apologize for this oversight, but I will have you know that my kids are laboring day and night to get enough tickets to pay off this debt," Geithner said at his Senate confirmation hearing last week.
Geithner said he won the plethora of tokens and tickets after an "exceptional day" of SkeeBall and Wack-a-mole. Spokesmen for the Obama Administration declined to comment on the situation.
Meanwhile, thousands of tax-law-abiding American workers lost their jobs.
Geithner said his amassed token collection - sufficient to purchase 3,000 glow-in-the-dark slap bracelets and 500 rubber balls - should cover his $43,000 in taxes owed to the U.S. government. He will also deliver 17 extra-large Hawaiian and pepperoni pizzas and three pitchers of Coke Zero to the U.S Treasury as additional collateral for his debt.
"I sincerely apologize for this oversight, but I will have you know that my kids are laboring day and night to get enough tickets to pay off this debt," Geithner said at his Senate confirmation hearing last week.
Geithner said he won the plethora of tokens and tickets after an "exceptional day" of SkeeBall and Wack-a-mole. Spokesmen for the Obama Administration declined to comment on the situation.
Meanwhile, thousands of tax-law-abiding American workers lost their jobs.
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