Victory Denied: Matador kicked off Spanish football team for 'inappropriate attire'

SEVILLA, Spain -- Spanish matador Jose Felipe Dominguez de Santiago Ruiz was abruptly removed from the Spanish national football squad's roster before the country's victorious World Cup final for 'inappropriate attire,' it was announced by FIFA officials late Sunday.

Team manager Vicente del Bosque, drenched in sangria, said the world-famous bullfighter from Pamplona had refused to change from his matador gear into the standard football shirt, shorts, socks and shoes.

"The strict guidelines of FIFA declare that the attire of no participating player may outdo that of Ricky Martin in tightness," del Bosque said, several rice grains from his celebratory paella spraying from his mouth.

The rest of La Furia Roja - as the first-time World Cup-winning side is nicknamed - indeed joined FIFA and their manager in their fury at the tightness of Dominguez de Santiago Ruiz's pants, which were sewn by his grandmother, Penelope Sofia Corpulenta de Santiago Ruiz several years before Dominguez de Santiago Ruiz's metabolism screeched to a halt.

"Tengo miedo de estos pantalones," said injured striker Fernando Torres. "No me gustan."

Dominguez de Santiago Ruiz could not be reached for comment. He instead performed in the storied bullfighters' ring this morning and was gored by a large bull named Pepe.

U.S. Olympian kicked off team for having a normal life

VANCOUVER, BRITISH COLUMBIA - The United States Olympic Committee today informed ice dancer Gavin Whiteman he was removed from the country's Winter Olympics roster for having a normal childhood, it was announced.

Authorities said Whiteman, a 24-year-old emerging ice dance superstar from Dearborn, Mich., was found to have had a "normal childhood with two parents born and raised in the United States, and has progressed through his career without any significant bodily injury meriting a five-minute television featurette."

NBC Sports confirmed the announcement, saying "Bob Costas was left speechless - literally - when introducing Whiteman during last night's prime-time coverage."

"Nvited Whtemn in 4 a studio intrview & realizd we had nothing 2 talk abt, no intrstng stories," Costas told Writer's Blechh via text message.

"The guy hasnt had any difficlty 4 chrsts sake. Dude, atleast tell me ur prgnant, then weve got smthng," Costas continued via a second text, because his first message ran over its character limit.

An embarassed USOC official said on condition of anonymity that he "had no idea how Whiteman passed the typical Olympic team vetting process, which includes a battery of tests such as ensuring his grandparents worked in Soviet gulags or emigrated from Cambodia to escape persecution, or he overcame a series of vassectomies/lung transplants and debilitating stress fractures before winning the most recent World Championships."

Whiteman is believed to have packed his bags at the Olympic Village last night and taken a flight first-class from Vancouver to Portland, Ore., where he trains and has a posh, 2,000 square-foot, two-bedroom house 11 miles from a Cheesecake Factory.

"See? What a primadonna," Olympic junkie Sandra Wiggins, 22, said. "You know, Oksana Baiul ate nothing but sabretooth tiger meat and snowballs for 15 years when she trained in Siberia. Bonnie Blair trained in space because her family couldn't afford to send her to terrestrial training facilities. Brian Boitano had six legs amputated before he won gold.

"And this Whiteman, the worst that's happened to him is that he had to get a loan for college?"

Wiggins then reportedly changed the channel to American Idol.

Sources: Layer of cheese slides off of disappointed 2-year-old's pizza slice

NEW YORK - Little Tommy Studebaker's first trip to a New York-style pizzeria since his baby teeth fully emerged went terrible wrong Saturday, when the layer of cheese on his 12-inch New Yawk jumbo slice slowly slipped off the crust, a source close to the tragedy told Writer's Blechh this morning.

"I don't think Tommy will live this down for another three years," an officer investigating the case of cheese slippage at Salvatore's Hey I'm Eatin' Here! Restauraunt said on condition of anonymity.

The sheer nakedness of crust with which the slice was left was as stunning to little Tommy's parents as it was to the visibly shake-up toddler himself.

"Oh, so terrible.....oh, so terrible," said Tommy's mother, Judith, 37. Tommy's father, Carl, 41, was unable to speak.

While the investigation is ongoing, police said the layer of mozzarella cheese used at Salvatore's is known for its low friction coefficient, meaning the cheese frequently slips off of the pizza crust.

Mayor Rudy Guiliani outlawed cheese slippage in an historic legislative victory in 1997. Police have not ruled out criminal charges against pizzeria co-owners Salvatore Maggiano and Pepe Chulo Dominguez.

Adding insult to injury, the cheese was thoroughly garnished with crushed red pepper, garlic powder, oregano and Tabasco sauce.

"Now we can't eat it," a sobbing Judith Studebaker said, wiping her tears with the napkin she had used to soak the grease from the pizza slice.

World's 353rd oldest man dies

MANILA, Philippines -- The 353rd oldest man in the world died Saturday, making way for the 354th oldest man in the world to move up the ranks.

Felipe Quinones, 102, who was not quite old enough to be considered the 352nd oldest man in the world, nor young enough to hold the coveted title as 666th oldest, died peacefully of natural causes. He spent much of his life as a gardener and wedding singer.

This is the 129 millionth time in human history that the 353rd oldest man in the world has died, striking a chord among fellow old people aiming to reach number one. Quinones was the oldest man in the world, without counting the 352 men older than him.

"He was really a great man," said Ogonkwo Ndebe, 98, the 4,892nd oldest man in the world and a lifelong friend of Quinones to whom the deceased left 30 cases of Viagra in his will. Ndebe said he was "overly ecstatic" to move up to No. 4,891 on the list, so much so that he had to recalibrate his pacemaker.

Quinones is survived by his wife Corazon, who at 101 is the 435th oldest woman in the world; 13 children and 96 grandchildren; and 14 great grandchildren. Quinones's father was the first man of Philippine descent to break the 500 oldest list and was showered with gifts, only to receive fatal food poisoning from a birthday candle he mistook for candy.

Monopoly Man Arrested, Charged with Counterfeiting

ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. -- Authorities have arrested and charged Rich Uncle Pennybags, known to law enforcement authorities by his alias, Monopoly Man, following a years-long manhunt of the alleged counterfeiter.

Pennybags was found Tuesday night in a safe house on Boardwalk here. A source close to the arrest operation reported Pennybags was unkempt, dressed in torn clothing and was thin from apparent malnutrition, "clearly indicating he hadn't passed 'Go' in several months."

The 74-year-old fugitive had eluded authorities for years, enabling him to expand his money counterfeiting empire throughout North America.

An anonymous witness tipped police Monday afternoon that Moneybags had boarded a first-class coach on the Baltimore & Ohio (B&O) Railroad and gave a rambling, alcohol-induced tirade on board.

"He obviously landed on Park Avenue one-too-many times," the witness told police, according to police reports.

In addition to counterfeiting official legal tender, a federal offense, authorities also consider him a suspect in orchestrating several jailbreaks by issuing "Get Out Of Jail Free" cards to unsuspecting prison wardens, and printing counterfeit "Free Parking" passes for Atlantic City residents, a violation of city parking ordinance. Moneybags will also be charged with luxury tax evasion.

Rick Dixon, head of the Treasury Department's Counterfeiting Task Force, said Moneybags was able to finance his illicit operations partly by using the community chest for funds and partly by chance. The Task Force was able to begin tracking Moneybags in 2005 when a wire transfer related to the acquisition of two public utilities, the Electric Co. and Water Works, was traced to a slush fund in Moneybags's name.

Moneybags had no comment at his arraignment last night, except to make a poignant statement on his life, saying "this is the game that goes on forever."

Geithner To Pay Back Taxes With Chuck E Cheese Tokens

WASHINGTON - Recently confirmed U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner said Friday he will repay back taxes he has owed to the U.S. government in the form of Chuck E Cheese tokens and tickets.

Geithner said his amassed token collection - sufficient to purchase 3,000 glow-in-the-dark slap bracelets and 500 rubber balls - should cover his $43,000 in taxes owed to the U.S. government. He will also deliver 17 extra-large Hawaiian and pepperoni pizzas and three pitchers of Coke Zero to the U.S Treasury as additional collateral for his debt.

"I sincerely apologize for this oversight, but I will have you know that my kids are laboring day and night to get enough tickets to pay off this debt," Geithner said at his Senate confirmation hearing last week.

Geithner said he won the plethora of tokens and tickets after an "exceptional day" of SkeeBall and Wack-a-mole. Spokesmen for the Obama Administration declined to comment on the situation.

Meanwhile, thousands of tax-law-abiding American workers lost their jobs.

BREAKING NEWS: In Ceremonial First Visit to White House, Obama Receives Bush's Deodorant-stained Bowling Shirt

BREAKING NEWS from OUR NATION'S CAPITAL...

WASHINGTON (7:00 PM EST) -- While First Lady Laura Bush took First Lady-in-waiting Michelle Obama on a tour of the White House Rose Garden Monday, President George W. Bush gave his successor his deodorant-stained bowling shirt as a token of congratulations.

"It's bad luck to wash your bowling shirt," a beaming President Bush told the press gallery Monday evening, "especially when you score more than 400 pins, which I think is the maximum bowling score. Huh huh, I said 'score.'"

Aides told reporters Bush was known to make up his own bowling scores because "he is the decider who decides such decisions."

The shirt, first woven in the textile mills of Paterson, N.J., and later patched up by Mrs. Bush at the Republican Wives' Cooking and Cleaning Expo in Fredericksburg, Va., contains a cursive "Dub-ya" inscription on the shirt's left breast.

White House staff said the president wore the shirt during frequent trips to the White House's private bowling alley. The alley hosts glow-in-the-dark Cosmic Bowling for the public on Friday nights, although the tradition has been suspended to make way for the insertion of a roller skating rink and a repaired hot dog rotisserie, which broke when Karl Rove had to live in the White House for two weeks because his basement flooded out.

The deodorant stains are historic in themselves; they first originated when Bush wore the shirt to intense, high-level negotiations in the Middle East peace process. Experts said the stain's source is likely Speed Stick gel.

"I could smell him from Gaza City," said Palestinian Authority envoy Nasser Yarafat, who attended the negotiations.

President-elect Obama was visibly pleased by Bush's gesture, saying he plans to wear the jersey, made of the finest New Jersey nylon and held together by hand-crafted Malaysian buttonry, on Inauguration Day and will offer each American family two pitchers of Bud Light, an extra-large pepperoni pizza and 500 game tokens in exchange for their public service.