Monopoly Man Arrested, Charged with Counterfeiting

ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. -- Authorities have arrested and charged Rich Uncle Pennybags, known to law enforcement authorities by his alias, Monopoly Man, following a years-long manhunt of the alleged counterfeiter.

Pennybags was found Tuesday night in a safe house on Boardwalk here. A source close to the arrest operation reported Pennybags was unkempt, dressed in torn clothing and was thin from apparent malnutrition, "clearly indicating he hadn't passed 'Go' in several months."

The 74-year-old fugitive had eluded authorities for years, enabling him to expand his money counterfeiting empire throughout North America.

An anonymous witness tipped police Monday afternoon that Moneybags had boarded a first-class coach on the Baltimore & Ohio (B&O) Railroad and gave a rambling, alcohol-induced tirade on board.

"He obviously landed on Park Avenue one-too-many times," the witness told police, according to police reports.

In addition to counterfeiting official legal tender, a federal offense, authorities also consider him a suspect in orchestrating several jailbreaks by issuing "Get Out Of Jail Free" cards to unsuspecting prison wardens, and printing counterfeit "Free Parking" passes for Atlantic City residents, a violation of city parking ordinance. Moneybags will also be charged with luxury tax evasion.

Rick Dixon, head of the Treasury Department's Counterfeiting Task Force, said Moneybags was able to finance his illicit operations partly by using the community chest for funds and partly by chance. The Task Force was able to begin tracking Moneybags in 2005 when a wire transfer related to the acquisition of two public utilities, the Electric Co. and Water Works, was traced to a slush fund in Moneybags's name.

Moneybags had no comment at his arraignment last night, except to make a poignant statement on his life, saying "this is the game that goes on forever."

Credit Crunch, Money Printing Lead to Surge in Sales at Copy Shops Nationwide

AUSTIN, Tex. -On this mild autumn Texas day, the laser printers at Zeb's Printing Shop have broken down like they normally do.

Except this time, there's a reason. Zeb's and other copy shops nationwide are coping with a spike in demand in order to print the $700 billion in additional notes from the United States' "money-pulled-out-of-our-ass" fund to go toward an historic bailout of the financial system.

The Federal Bureau of Engraving and Printing has started to outsource money printing to copy shops because "we just can't do it on our own, ya know," said Bureau spokeswoman Candy DeSantos.

As a result, copy shops like Zeb's are "turning the page" to new profits.

"When I turn on the lights in the morning to open up shop, I can hear 700 billion 'cha-chings' in my head," said owner Zeb, who declined to give his full name (as if Zeb is his real name anyway). "Actually, hearing that 700 billion times can be pretty jarring. I'm still on 234 million, and I've had this damn headache for 3 hours."

In Europe, which appears to be the credit crunch's next victim, printers were gearing up for the continent's first printing party since Johannes Gutenberg first invented the printing press almost 600 years ago.

For example, Dieter's Printing Haus in Munich, Germany, has already stopped production on other orders, including broadsheet posters for an upcoming Battle of the Bands in the Bavarian city, to focus on printing Euros. Lots and lots of Euros.

"I guess Rothenberg's Raaderz won't be rocking it out this year," said Dieter Schultz, the shop's manager, in a perfectly executed stereotypical German accent. "They will be stuck playing the Dusseldorf City Convention, which never sells out and has really bad beer."

As for Zeb, he said all he needs is a bridge loan from the Federal Reserve Bank of the United States to buy new printer cartridges.

"I'm running out ink all the time, dude," he said, "but man, inflation is great for business."