Forensic Tests Show "Federalist" McCain Attended Constitutional Convention

PHILADELPHIA - Providing fodder to his opponents who contend he is "too old" to be United States president, new evidence has revealed Sen. John McCain attended the Constitutional Convention at the Pennsylvania State House in Philadelphia in 1787.

McCain, who proudly proclaimed during one of his presidential debate appearances against Sen. Barack Obama that he is a "Federalist," would be an estimated 260 years old, assuming he was 40 years old at the time of the formalizing of the United States' most sacred document.

Forensic scientists extracted petrified Philly cheese-steak goop that was found near a post-it note Alexander Hamilton had affixed to a draft of the Constitution. A DNA profile of salivary residue from the goop is believed to match Sen. McCain.

That means there is 99.999 percent chance the saliva came from McCain, according to scientists from the Drexel University Superdynamic Superfluids Research Center. Conversely, that leaves a 0.001 percent chance that the saliva belongs to someone else or ended up on the Philly cheese-steak through different means.

"There is a slight chance that James Madison kissed McCain as he was chewing on the cheese steak," said Dr. Fabian Fabuloso, director of the center. "That would mean that the actual cheese-steak belonged to either Madison, or someone else. It is decidedly possible that those in attendance at the convention purchased a party platter of multiple cheese steaks, and the cheese steak of concern was being passed around the hall during one of the convention's many snack breaks.

"The key here," Fabuloso added, "is that McCain took a bite out of at least once sandwich, or kissed Madison as he was chewing, and got his saliva on that particular piece.

"There are certain questions that science cannot answer," he continued. "This is one of them."

Paintings and a prototype daguerreotype from the period may also confirm McCain's presence. McCain can be seen in one rendition of "The Great Philadelphia Convention" finishing a Sudoku puzzle published in Benjamin Franklin's Poor Richard's Almanack.

The Obama Campaign seized on the news, saying "we are now certain Sen. McCain is out of touch. All along we knew he has been calling for deregulation of the financial system ever since he smacked Alexander Hamilton for wanting a national bank in 1787."

The McCain Campaign lashed back, saying the new evidence proves McCain has the experience to lead the 13 colonies into a new direction.

"Most of the world doesn't know that he was also there to sign the Treaty of Paris in 1783," a campaign spokesman said. "Sen. McCain is a maverick. He is a ripe young man, ready to take on the world's problems with vigor, and a few teaspoons of formaldehyde."

The news also upped McCain's lead in the latest poll of polls among historians and the National American Revolution Re-Enacters Association by 76 points.