McCain's "Straight Talk Express" Bus Delayed Due to Lavatory Failure

ZELIENOPLE, Pa. -- Sen. John McCain's presidential campaign bus, dubbed the "Straight Talk Express," was delayed in arriving here this morning due to a backup in the bus's only toilet, a campaign spokeswoman said.

Police are investigating a foul odor coming from the bus lavatory. Fingerprints and surveillance video reveal a slender male passenger at last six feet in height used the lavatory at 2:15 a.m. while the bus was en route here from York, Pa. After completing his business in the lavatory, police said, the suspect appeared to have rushed back to his seat to avoid being seen, presumably because he was the culprit.

Eyewitness accounts indicate the McCain campaign dined at Juanita's Mexican Buffet in Breezewood, Pa. last night. Todd Wexler, the only McCain aide believed to be more than six feet tall, ordered the "number 6," a combinacion platter of "three-alarm enchiladas, a red-hot refried bean tamale and the habanero-pickled-spice queso fundido," witnesses said.

Police, meanwhile, cautioned against accusing Wexler, saying numerous McCain staffers ingested high quantities of hot salsa and tequila. Therefore, all are suspects in the case.

"When you put tequila and hot salsa together," Zelienople Sgt. Rick Brickles said, "good things can never happen."

Campaign staffers have decided to charter a Greyhound after determining the "Straight Talk" is much worse than riding a Greyhound.

Analysts shrugged off any suggestion that this latest gaffe for the McCain campaign signaled constipation in the senator's chances for victory, with only two days before the election.

In fact, some national polls show McCain gaining ground on his opponent Democratic Sen. Barack Obama, particularly after McCain recruited Joe the Plumber to stump with him on taxes and government reform. Aides said Joe the Plumber will also be hired to fix the lavatory.