Half-Hour Obama Ad in Primetime to Feature Ron Popeil, Tae Bo

CORAL GABLES, Fla. -- Tonight's 30-minute nationally-televised, prime-time advertisement for Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama, will also feature Ron Popeil, inventor of the Food Dehydrator, and Tae Bo Master Billy Blanks, who has pledged to do 15 push-ups for every vote Obama receives on Election Day.

Obama spokesman Craig Gregg said the campaign invited Popeil and Blanks to tap into a key but often unreachable, solitary sliver of the American public: those who watch TV during that awkward time of each weekday between 10:30 am and 2 pm. Viewers of "The Price is Right don't count," Gregg said, "because without Bob Barker that show is a joke anyway."

"With this ad, we get people who watch TV in prime-time normally, and people who watch during the day," he said.

Rumors also surfaced early Wednesday that magician David Copperfield would make a surprise appearance, dangling from a basketball arena Jumbotron bound in a straitjacket.

Popeil, known as the chief executive and founder of Ronco, the world's greatest company, won the 1996 TV Guide/Alfred Nobel Prize for Food Processing Technology. During his acceptance speech at the Richmond, Calif., awards ceremony, Popeil famously declared that the "onion of his life's passion had been successfully peeled, diced and sauteed in 3 easy steps, 10 easy minutes."

He continued, "And now, every child in America can eat a dried flab of apricot instead of Froot Roll Ups, which are high in sugar and low in infomercial goodness."

Blanks, whom many insiders speculate will be offered a spot in a President Obama cabinet as Defense secretary, will present a new workout called Tae-Bobama during the ad tonight.

Once active in politics, Blanks was ostracized by the professional trainers circuit after a long dispute with fellow aerobician and activist Jane Fonda, who herself split with the traditional school of aerobics and developed her own technique.

The Fonda school of aerobics postulates that tight buns and abs of steel are best achieved through the use of Fleetwood Mac music and hot-pink legwarmers, not circular punching motions and stairmasters on a beach patio as Blanks had maintained.

Disgraced, Blanks retreated to Siberia to improve his technique and revive the Russian VHS cassette market. He re-emerged in late 2007, announcing that he "has re-invented himself, is ready to move on, and wishes to accept the fact that the DVD has supplanted VHS as the video medium of choice," though he stopped short of apologizing to Fonda.

Popeil and Blanks said they are committed to Obama's mission, but have grown weary of hitting the road to campaign, saying they will campaign on Obama's behalf "while supplies last."

Forensic Tests Show "Federalist" McCain Attended Constitutional Convention

PHILADELPHIA - Providing fodder to his opponents who contend he is "too old" to be United States president, new evidence has revealed Sen. John McCain attended the Constitutional Convention at the Pennsylvania State House in Philadelphia in 1787.

McCain, who proudly proclaimed during one of his presidential debate appearances against Sen. Barack Obama that he is a "Federalist," would be an estimated 260 years old, assuming he was 40 years old at the time of the formalizing of the United States' most sacred document.

Forensic scientists extracted petrified Philly cheese-steak goop that was found near a post-it note Alexander Hamilton had affixed to a draft of the Constitution. A DNA profile of salivary residue from the goop is believed to match Sen. McCain.

That means there is 99.999 percent chance the saliva came from McCain, according to scientists from the Drexel University Superdynamic Superfluids Research Center. Conversely, that leaves a 0.001 percent chance that the saliva belongs to someone else or ended up on the Philly cheese-steak through different means.

"There is a slight chance that James Madison kissed McCain as he was chewing on the cheese steak," said Dr. Fabian Fabuloso, director of the center. "That would mean that the actual cheese-steak belonged to either Madison, or someone else. It is decidedly possible that those in attendance at the convention purchased a party platter of multiple cheese steaks, and the cheese steak of concern was being passed around the hall during one of the convention's many snack breaks.

"The key here," Fabuloso added, "is that McCain took a bite out of at least once sandwich, or kissed Madison as he was chewing, and got his saliva on that particular piece.

"There are certain questions that science cannot answer," he continued. "This is one of them."

Paintings and a prototype daguerreotype from the period may also confirm McCain's presence. McCain can be seen in one rendition of "The Great Philadelphia Convention" finishing a Sudoku puzzle published in Benjamin Franklin's Poor Richard's Almanack.

The Obama Campaign seized on the news, saying "we are now certain Sen. McCain is out of touch. All along we knew he has been calling for deregulation of the financial system ever since he smacked Alexander Hamilton for wanting a national bank in 1787."

The McCain Campaign lashed back, saying the new evidence proves McCain has the experience to lead the 13 colonies into a new direction.

"Most of the world doesn't know that he was also there to sign the Treaty of Paris in 1783," a campaign spokesman said. "Sen. McCain is a maverick. He is a ripe young man, ready to take on the world's problems with vigor, and a few teaspoons of formaldehyde."

The news also upped McCain's lead in the latest poll of polls among historians and the National American Revolution Re-Enacters Association by 76 points.

Jafar, Scar, Five Others Added to Disney Terror Watch List

ORLANDO, Fla. -- Wily villain Jafar and five other prominent Disney capers were added to the national terrorism watch list yesterday, amid reports there were plans to kidnap Minnie Mouse and demand ransom from the Magic Kingdom Castle.

Initial reports indicated Jafar, the scheming sorcerer who made his theatrical debut in "Aladdin" and Scar, the vengeful lion in "The Lion King," will be charged as enemy combatants by Disney Theme Park authorities. Law enforcement sources told Writer's Blechh on condition of anonymity that Scar's underling hyenas turned Scar in to the police.

The others added to the terror watch list are Ursula the Octopus, Cruella de Vil and, surprisingly, Timon and Pumba, also of "The Lion King" cast. Intelligence reports indicate the duo defected from their "Hakuna Matata" ice show tour in February to visit terror training camps in eastern Afghanistan.

Sources close to Jafar said the villain grew increasingly depressed in recent months, often writing anonymous hate letters to Disney animation executives. The downfall in his career is attributed largely to the largely unsuccesful "Aladdin" sequel, "The Return of Jafar," and the betrayal in that film by his former sidekick, a loud-talking parrot named Iago. A Disney spokesperson did not return calls seeking comment.

Credit Crunch, Money Printing Lead to Surge in Sales at Copy Shops Nationwide

AUSTIN, Tex. -On this mild autumn Texas day, the laser printers at Zeb's Printing Shop have broken down like they normally do.

Except this time, there's a reason. Zeb's and other copy shops nationwide are coping with a spike in demand in order to print the $700 billion in additional notes from the United States' "money-pulled-out-of-our-ass" fund to go toward an historic bailout of the financial system.

The Federal Bureau of Engraving and Printing has started to outsource money printing to copy shops because "we just can't do it on our own, ya know," said Bureau spokeswoman Candy DeSantos.

As a result, copy shops like Zeb's are "turning the page" to new profits.

"When I turn on the lights in the morning to open up shop, I can hear 700 billion 'cha-chings' in my head," said owner Zeb, who declined to give his full name (as if Zeb is his real name anyway). "Actually, hearing that 700 billion times can be pretty jarring. I'm still on 234 million, and I've had this damn headache for 3 hours."

In Europe, which appears to be the credit crunch's next victim, printers were gearing up for the continent's first printing party since Johannes Gutenberg first invented the printing press almost 600 years ago.

For example, Dieter's Printing Haus in Munich, Germany, has already stopped production on other orders, including broadsheet posters for an upcoming Battle of the Bands in the Bavarian city, to focus on printing Euros. Lots and lots of Euros.

"I guess Rothenberg's Raaderz won't be rocking it out this year," said Dieter Schultz, the shop's manager, in a perfectly executed stereotypical German accent. "They will be stuck playing the Dusseldorf City Convention, which never sells out and has really bad beer."

As for Zeb, he said all he needs is a bridge loan from the Federal Reserve Bank of the United States to buy new printer cartridges.

"I'm running out ink all the time, dude," he said, "but man, inflation is great for business."